What use am I?

I largely wrote this a few months ago, and it was going to be my first blog. But then Covid-19 exploded, so I decided to post Who’s in Control instead.

Now I’ve come back to this one, I realise that perhaps it’s uncannily become relevant to more of us. Sadly, some friends I know who have lost their jobs because of Covid-19 have been left feeling useless and wondering what the point of life is. Tragically it also seems to be the case that older people with their wealth of wisdom, knowledge and experience, have been treated as dispensable during this crisis.

When life changes drastically, and you can’t do many of the things you once did, and your independence crumbles making you a burden to others, it’s easy to wonder what your worth or use is.

• I’ve had an ongoing relationship with cancer for over 5 years, and it will always be with me. I’m currently on chemo, reducing my immunities to infections and viruses. Due to Covid-19 I’m shielding. My only trips out are to the Royal Marsden Hospital. Initially I was also isolating from my family while they were interacting with the outside world, though because of my vulnerability we must now stay in all the time. So I was initially increasing their risk as they were having to do all the shopping etc, and now we're increasing the risk for others we're relying on.

• I’m afraid he’ll be embarrassed by this, but I have a wonderful husband who has had to cope with a great deal throughout our 28 years of marriage, and even more so in the past 5 years since my diagnosis. He's spent his days off with me at the hospital, sometimes taking unpaid leave to be with me.
  He’s done a lot of waiting –  while I’ve had scans, blood tests, an operation, chemo … waited for clinic appointments, sometimes rejoicing over good results, sometimes coming to terms with bad results, and sometimes not expecting me to survive the night. Being the patient is hard enough, but I believe waiting and watching can be even worse.
  There have been times when he has needed to do everything at home, and everything for the children, whilst also working full time. He carries an enormous emotional and physical burden (which few outside of the family recognise because he doesn't draw attention to it) and he's done a much better job than I would have had the tables had been turned! 

• I have three amazing children, and I am overwhelmed at what lovely adults they’ve become in spite of all my failings as a wife and mother. It grieves me that all they and Paul have been caused so much pain, stress and anxiety by my cancer diagnosis and treatment, and other circumstances beyond our control. They’ve had to give up so much, in the way of fun times, plans, security and carefreeness, and academically too.
• Amongst my parents and siblings we have a family joke about me being the useful daughter. I have been no more useful, and probably considerably less, than the others! But the joke endures. The rest of my family are suffering all kinds of health problems, and I’m not able to do anything. I worry about them, and I know they’re also worried about me.
• I used to be a radiotherapy physicist and I loved my job (well, much of the time anyway!) I can’t do that any more. I needed a lot of sick leave, and my cognitive skills are impaired due to extensive treatment. Yes, chemo brain is a real thing!  And because people’s lives were on the receiving end of what I did, I couldn’t risk making a mistake. But I hear of the struggles in radiotherapy departments because of short staffing and extra policies and procedures due to Covid, and feel useless that I can’t help (especially as I've been informed that my lapsed Clinical Scientist registration has been reinstated due to the crisis!).
• For many years I’ve been an active church member and have been involved in many different activities – children’s clubs, toddler groups, Bible studies, ladies’ nights, music, cooking, baking, talks, organisation, admin, concerts, quiz nights, and so on. Right now I’m not able to do much of this at all  - even if it was possible amid Covid!

So what’s the answer? 

Here’s a few thoughts from my perspective as a Christian:

• The work of God is to believe in the one he has sent - this was Jesus's answer when asked by his disciples what they should do to do the work God requires. (John 6v29)
  Any acts of service are good, but not our primary work.
• My worth is not in what I do, or how healthy I am, or my age, or what I look like.
  God made me in his image and he loves me. Nothing I did or do makes me right with him. Jesus already achieved that on the cross where he took the punishment for my sin. There was nothing I could do about it, but his love, grace, mercy and compassion did everything. God doesn’t need anything from us – he doesn’t need my paltry attempts at organising, giving talks, playing music, or baking cakes. Everything I am or have comes from him - including the fact I’m alive. So 'doing good' doesn’t earn our salvation, though it is evidence of our faith and desire to please God in gratitude and love for him what he has done for us.
• People often say things like "Sorry I can't do anything to help - all I can do is pray".
  All I can do?! What else could be better?! Yes there are sometimes practical needs to be met, but God cares for his children and will choose who he will use to do that and how. I'm not indispensable - cancer has shown me that - and the best thing anyone can do is pray.
• I don’t like having cancer. It isn’t what I’d choose, and it’s not good. But God has allowed it to happen. I don’t know why, just like Job didn’t know why he suffered as he did. But as I’ve said before, I’m grateful for many things I’ve learned through having cancer. The Bible says we should give thanks in all circumstances (1Thess 5 v18). And in a way (and I know some will find this difficult!), I am thankful for my cancer.
• The gifts I had for things I used to do, but can’t at the moment, came from him, so I have a responsibility to use them. I did use them while I could. I wish I’d used them more. I hope to use them again. Through allowing my cancer though, God has given me new gifts, and so I can do things that I couldn’t before, things that only people who’ve experienced what I’ve experienced can do. We should never feel useless just because we can’t do what we once did; our circumstances have changed; or we can’t do what others do. God has work for each of us – all different parts of the same body, which can be used at different times for different purposes. We can serve God whatever our circumstances, and he will give us whatever we need to do it!  (1 Peter 4 v11)

Having cancer has given me a whole new set of things I can do (though right at the moment I can't do many of these because of Covid)

- whether it's encouraging the lady next to me having chemo for the first time; talking with others in the same boat; telling people that Jesus is the hope I have in the face of cancer; meeting new friends; spending more time with friends and family, to listen, talk, support, laugh, pray; supporting church and other organisations ‘behind the scenes’ - 

but  ‘doing’ isn't where our worth or use comes from, and we don't become worthless or useless if we can't 'do' any more. 🙂