Who's in control?

For many years I've thought about writing a blog. Others have suggested it too. Several times I have started, but not carried it through, for a variety of reasons - inadequacy, inability, insecurity, insufficiency ...
Anyway, here goes ...

Fear and uncertainty have been overriding feelings that I've seen expressed during the Covid-19 crisis so far. 

Will I catch the virus? 
How badly will I get it? 
Will I have to go into hospital? Will there be a ventilator available for me if I need it? 
Will I die? Will any of my loved ones die?
How will I be able to isolate? Will I be able to buy the food I need? 
What will happen with my job? How will I manage financially? 

None of us know the outcomes for us individually or for our families and friends. This virus doesn't discriminate. There seems no way of knowing who will suffer badly, and who won't. Who will be ok, and who won't. 

Whilst I'm as worried as anyone about this situation, I think cancer survivors (along with sufferers of other major illnesses) have a head start on this, and I'm grateful for that:

• We already know what it's like to come face to face with our mortality.
  Like Covid-19, cancer doesn't discriminate in terms of who suffers from it, how badly, how they respond to treatment, and whether they are cured or not.
• We're used to isolation and loneliness. I'm used to having to stay inside; avoid contact because of risk of infection; accept help from other people; and watch church online.
• We're used to our plans being scuppered, and the future we assumed we were going to have being turned upside down, and potentially taken away from us.

Most importantly, we know what it's like to realise we really aren't in control!

This was the overwhelming feeling for me when I was first diagnosed with cancer just over 5 years ago. And it's this that has now instilled fear and panic in people globally - the fact that we have no control over this virus.

As a Christian I know that God is in control. I've known that for many years. But if we're not careful, believing that and living like that can become separated!

We all make plans - and that's not wrong. But we need to always remember that God's plans may be different from ours, and to be prepared to yield our plans to his. And, like Job, to recognise that everything comes from God and it is his to give or take away.

• For a long time after my diagnosis we didn't dare plan anything. However, it's important in order to function, and so we plan but leave it with God as to whether our plans come to fruition. We book holidays keeping in mind even at the point of booking that they might not happen. We plan events, and outings, but know that when it comes round, we might not be able to go. We accept that. As Christians we know this deep down, but maybe we all need to have this thought higher in our minds, and be more acquiescent when things don't pan out how we want!

• During treatment I work out which days I'll be out of action, and on which days I can arrange things, only for that all to change with a bad blood test result delaying chemo for a week, or even two. So we try to live according to the proverbial 'one day at a time', or as the Bible says not worrying about tomorrow. Time after time, when it all seems to have gone wrong, God's timing has turned out to be perfect! Again Christians know this, but I for one can be so slow to learn!

I'm scared. I'm scared for my family and friends in the current crisis, some of whom are or have been seriously ill. I'm scared for people I know in the frontline of the NHS and other services. I'm scared of dying of coronavirus, of dying of cancer ... of dying.

But I know that God isn't beaten by coronavirus, or cancer. He hasn't lost control of his world, but instead is working out his perfect purposes. Perhaps he has allowed this situation in order to give the human race another chance to recognise this very fact!

Praying for my family and friends through this unprecedented awful time, and sending love to all.