What use am I?

I largely wrote this a few months ago, and it was going to be my first blog. But then Covid-19 exploded, so I decided to post Who’s in Control instead.

Now I’ve come back to this one, I realise that perhaps it’s uncannily become relevant to more of us. Sadly, some friends I know who have lost their jobs because of Covid-19 have been left feeling useless and wondering what the point of life is. Tragically it also seems to be the case that older people with their wealth of wisdom, knowledge and experience, have been treated as dispensable during this crisis.

When life changes drastically, and you can’t do many of the things you once did, and your independence crumbles making you a burden to others, it’s easy to wonder what your worth or use is.

• I’ve had an ongoing relationship with cancer for over 5 years, and it will always be with me. I’m currently on chemo, reducing my immunities to infections and viruses. Due to Covid-19 I’m shielding. My only trips out are to the Royal Marsden Hospital. Initially I was also isolating from my family while they were interacting with the outside world, though because of my vulnerability we must now stay in all the time. So I was initially increasing their risk as they were having to do all the shopping etc, and now we're increasing the risk for others we're relying on.

• I’m afraid he’ll be embarrassed by this, but I have a wonderful husband who has had to cope with a great deal throughout our 28 years of marriage, and even more so in the past 5 years since my diagnosis. He's spent his days off with me at the hospital, sometimes taking unpaid leave to be with me.
  He’s done a lot of waiting –  while I’ve had scans, blood tests, an operation, chemo … waited for clinic appointments, sometimes rejoicing over good results, sometimes coming to terms with bad results, and sometimes not expecting me to survive the night. Being the patient is hard enough, but I believe waiting and watching can be even worse.
  There have been times when he has needed to do everything at home, and everything for the children, whilst also working full time. He carries an enormous emotional and physical burden (which few outside of the family recognise because he doesn't draw attention to it) and he's done a much better job than I would have had the tables had been turned! 

• I have three amazing children, and I am overwhelmed at what lovely adults they’ve become in spite of all my failings as a wife and mother. It grieves me that all they and Paul have been caused so much pain, stress and anxiety by my cancer diagnosis and treatment, and other circumstances beyond our control. They’ve had to give up so much, in the way of fun times, plans, security and carefreeness, and academically too.
• Amongst my parents and siblings we have a family joke about me being the useful daughter. I have been no more useful, and probably considerably less, than the others! But the joke endures. The rest of my family are suffering all kinds of health problems, and I’m not able to do anything. I worry about them, and I know they’re also worried about me.
• I used to be a radiotherapy physicist and I loved my job (well, much of the time anyway!) I can’t do that any more. I needed a lot of sick leave, and my cognitive skills are impaired due to extensive treatment. Yes, chemo brain is a real thing!  And because people’s lives were on the receiving end of what I did, I couldn’t risk making a mistake. But I hear of the struggles in radiotherapy departments because of short staffing and extra policies and procedures due to Covid, and feel useless that I can’t help (especially as I've been informed that my lapsed Clinical Scientist registration has been reinstated due to the crisis!).
• For many years I’ve been an active church member and have been involved in many different activities – children’s clubs, toddler groups, Bible studies, ladies’ nights, music, cooking, baking, talks, organisation, admin, concerts, quiz nights, and so on. Right now I’m not able to do much of this at all  - even if it was possible amid Covid!

So what’s the answer? 

Here’s a few thoughts from my perspective as a Christian:

• The work of God is to believe in the one he has sent - this was Jesus's answer when asked by his disciples what they should do to do the work God requires. (John 6v29)
  Any acts of service are good, but not our primary work.
• My worth is not in what I do, or how healthy I am, or my age, or what I look like.
  God made me in his image and he loves me. Nothing I did or do makes me right with him. Jesus already achieved that on the cross where he took the punishment for my sin. There was nothing I could do about it, but his love, grace, mercy and compassion did everything. God doesn’t need anything from us – he doesn’t need my paltry attempts at organising, giving talks, playing music, or baking cakes. Everything I am or have comes from him - including the fact I’m alive. So 'doing good' doesn’t earn our salvation, though it is evidence of our faith and desire to please God in gratitude and love for him what he has done for us.
• People often say things like "Sorry I can't do anything to help - all I can do is pray".
  All I can do?! What else could be better?! Yes there are sometimes practical needs to be met, but God cares for his children and will choose who he will use to do that and how. I'm not indispensable - cancer has shown me that - and the best thing anyone can do is pray.
• I don’t like having cancer. It isn’t what I’d choose, and it’s not good. But God has allowed it to happen. I don’t know why, just like Job didn’t know why he suffered as he did. But as I’ve said before, I’m grateful for many things I’ve learned through having cancer. The Bible says we should give thanks in all circumstances (1Thess 5 v18). And in a way (and I know some will find this difficult!), I am thankful for my cancer.
• The gifts I had for things I used to do, but can’t at the moment, came from him, so I have a responsibility to use them. I did use them while I could. I wish I’d used them more. I hope to use them again. Through allowing my cancer though, God has given me new gifts, and so I can do things that I couldn’t before, things that only people who’ve experienced what I’ve experienced can do. We should never feel useless just because we can’t do what we once did; our circumstances have changed; or we can’t do what others do. God has work for each of us – all different parts of the same body, which can be used at different times for different purposes. We can serve God whatever our circumstances, and he will give us whatever we need to do it!  (1 Peter 4 v11)

Having cancer has given me a whole new set of things I can do (though right at the moment I can't do many of these because of Covid)

- whether it's encouraging the lady next to me having chemo for the first time; talking with others in the same boat; telling people that Jesus is the hope I have in the face of cancer; meeting new friends; spending more time with friends and family, to listen, talk, support, laugh, pray; supporting church and other organisations ‘behind the scenes’ - 

but  ‘doing’ isn't where our worth or use comes from, and we don't become worthless or useless if we can't 'do' any more. 🙂

Who's in control?

For many years I've thought about writing a blog. Others have suggested it too. Several times I have started, but not carried it through, for a variety of reasons - inadequacy, inability, insecurity, insufficiency ...
Anyway, here goes ...

Fear and uncertainty have been overriding feelings that I've seen expressed during the Covid-19 crisis so far. 

Will I catch the virus? 
How badly will I get it? 
Will I have to go into hospital? Will there be a ventilator available for me if I need it? 
Will I die? Will any of my loved ones die?
How will I be able to isolate? Will I be able to buy the food I need? 
What will happen with my job? How will I manage financially? 

None of us know the outcomes for us individually or for our families and friends. This virus doesn't discriminate. There seems no way of knowing who will suffer badly, and who won't. Who will be ok, and who won't. 

Whilst I'm as worried as anyone about this situation, I think cancer survivors (along with sufferers of other major illnesses) have a head start on this, and I'm grateful for that:

• We already know what it's like to come face to face with our mortality.
  Like Covid-19, cancer doesn't discriminate in terms of who suffers from it, how badly, how they respond to treatment, and whether they are cured or not.
• We're used to isolation and loneliness. I'm used to having to stay inside; avoid contact because of risk of infection; accept help from other people; and watch church online.
• We're used to our plans being scuppered, and the future we assumed we were going to have being turned upside down, and potentially taken away from us.

Most importantly, we know what it's like to realise we really aren't in control!

This was the overwhelming feeling for me when I was first diagnosed with cancer just over 5 years ago. And it's this that has now instilled fear and panic in people globally - the fact that we have no control over this virus.

As a Christian I know that God is in control. I've known that for many years. But if we're not careful, believing that and living like that can become separated!

We all make plans - and that's not wrong. But we need to always remember that God's plans may be different from ours, and to be prepared to yield our plans to his. And, like Job, to recognise that everything comes from God and it is his to give or take away.

• For a long time after my diagnosis we didn't dare plan anything. However, it's important in order to function, and so we plan but leave it with God as to whether our plans come to fruition. We book holidays keeping in mind even at the point of booking that they might not happen. We plan events, and outings, but know that when it comes round, we might not be able to go. We accept that. As Christians we know this deep down, but maybe we all need to have this thought higher in our minds, and be more acquiescent when things don't pan out how we want!

• During treatment I work out which days I'll be out of action, and on which days I can arrange things, only for that all to change with a bad blood test result delaying chemo for a week, or even two. So we try to live according to the proverbial 'one day at a time', or as the Bible says not worrying about tomorrow. Time after time, when it all seems to have gone wrong, God's timing has turned out to be perfect! Again Christians know this, but I for one can be so slow to learn!

I'm scared. I'm scared for my family and friends in the current crisis, some of whom are or have been seriously ill. I'm scared for people I know in the frontline of the NHS and other services. I'm scared of dying of coronavirus, of dying of cancer ... of dying.

But I know that God isn't beaten by coronavirus, or cancer. He hasn't lost control of his world, but instead is working out his perfect purposes. Perhaps he has allowed this situation in order to give the human race another chance to recognise this very fact!

Praying for my family and friends through this unprecedented awful time, and sending love to all.